Postcards from January

It has taken nearly two years to write about you. Not because I never cared or desired to, more so because I was scared of being too vulnerable again. I have written one too many posts about my past relationships where my words read of passion and hope but in reality were embarrassing and naive. I tend to plunge boldly into love without fearing heartbreak. Until it happened. I grew to become cautious and take things slow. I couldn’t bare to pour my heart out again not knowing what the future would hold. I built walls. Two Januaries ago I felt things I never imagined would come so fast. I was beyond hesitant at first but couldn’t ignore all the right signs. I typically don’t express belief in a higher power, but it was as if someone was watching me in pain and giving up hope for love, and then pushed you right in front of me as a test to see if i would take the chance to another broken heart. The thing is, I knew if I began to really date, that I wouldn’t be happy, that I was still hurt inside and it would cloud my judgement and ultimately wasn’t fair to the other person. So I did what most newly single people do, I rebound. I told myself one night stands were okay but anything more was sad and desperate. How ironic. There’s this weird and strange rule that people aren’t allowed to jump back into serious relationships after they have gone through a break up. And I think that’s what also stuck in the back of my head. But that’s ridiculous. It’s not as if I was pining after men to find a new bf. As i said earlier, i specifically was avoiding it. But when someone comes along, and impresses you in ways you never knew, and whose actions speak volumes, it’s pretty difficult to pass that up all because of some dumb societal rule. So i slowly opened up. Okay maybe if you consider sex on the first date not so slow, then no i didn’t take it slow, but like emotionally, slowly. Now I don’t usually talk about my sex life to that many people even including friends and family because I like certain things to be kept private. But it’s not like anyone js going to read this extremely long post so what the heck. I have never had a first night with someone like the night i had with you. It was passionate, sexy, romantic, and I felt safe and comfortable. I have always been a pretty shy lover at first, but with you I felt free. There is something really hot and romantic when you have sex multiple, like six times throughout the night. And not in a lust kind of way but like, I could fall in love with you kind of way. Which is why how i responded the next morning doesn’t make sense. He asked if he could see me again the following weekend to take me out. Never has a guy been so straightforward with me about his feelings and what he wants so soon. And my response : I’ll think about it. ouch. what a bitch. I had time to really think about this weeks later, and realized how stupid i was. But I was yet again concerned about what society would think, what my friends and family would think, and what my ex would think. Normal for a young woman who is recovering from a break up, but looking back I wish i could’ve gone back in time to change my response. Since my good friend and roommate arranged our first meet I knew i would see him around, but didn’t want to make the first move (gosh so not feminist of me). I would ask my friend if she was planning to hang with him soon and she invited him over a few weeks later to watch a movie. We watched star wars because the new star wars was coming to theaters soon and it was like a big deal to all the nerds out there. Yeah he’s kinda a nerd. But like a cute nerd. So there i sat, beside him on the couch, trying to act cool and not so interested. But really nervous as hell, wondering if he’s been thinking about me or if he has moved on. After the night ended i packed my bag for a months worth of clothing, it was winter break. Sadly i knew i probably wouldn’t see him and the month of distance would mean that we both would forget about our one amazing night. Then this happened: he asked how I was getting down to LA because he also lived in socal. I bought megabus tickets both ways and he was driving, alone. Then it hit me, I could take the 8 hour boring bus ride back or, I could lie and say i only had a ticket one way and needed a ride back. So i lied. Well not a total lie because i knew i would have a bunch of things to take back and couldn’t take it all on the bus. Okay i know excuses. He offered to pick me up and drive me back to sf. I was thrilled. At the time I thought he was just being nice and maybe just tried to make conversation and didn’t expect it to turn into a real plan. Looking back, who sits in a car with a girl you barely know for 7 hours??? He was totally into me. Well it turned out we wouldn’t be alone, last minute my friends bf also needed a ride back, luckily he spent the entire ride passed out in the back seat. So, we got to know each other. Music taste was huge because he was the first guy i met to love Beirut. And The Shins. We talked about life, dreams, goals, family, interests, exes, you name it we probably discussed it. I was starting to really like him. We arrived in SF, he pulled up to my door, my roommates were all still out of town, so i suggested we all grab a few beers at a bar. And from there, I put societies judgements on hold, told my wall to lower down, and we began to date. To be continued…